There are moments in our life that define who we are, what we believe and how we view ourselves in situations demanding faith. My mother was diagnosed with cancer several years back. Walking through this process revealed my own character to me in ways I can not explain. But moreover, God revealed His beyond my wildest expectations.
This is only one example of the countless times God has proven faithful in my journey. Taking my mother home to be with Himself was to be the ultimate triumph, …. but that’s another story.
“Poker Face Faith” By Lori Clounie
Driving into the early morning darkness my headlights pierce the vast span before me. The sky feels black as coal. Tears begin to fall and sorrow wells up within me. These weekly trips to the hospital continue to take their toil on my heart. Hope builds as each dose of chemo is received; yet fear settles in with every day that catapults’ us further into my mother’s illness. Music plays mindlessly in the background as my attention is focused elsewhere today, for I am intent on speaking with God. Feelings come rushing up from my core that words cannot express. As I deliberate I find my thoughts transparent, fashioning my words into the perfect plea. Just as a lawyer prepares to deliver his case, I must state mine.
Months of apprehension overflow as I begin crying out to God! “You are the great healer. You are able. You are God!”
In a desperate attempt I proclaim God’s promises back to Him. “You say if we have faith we can move mountains?” Boldly I declare, “I believe! I have faith!”
Imploring for any response, I begin petitioning for His compassion, His favor while negotiating my mother’s healing. My words seem basic but cut to the center of my intent, “God Please! Please, I beg you, heal my mother from this cancer!” My heart echoes this dialogue with a resounding “Amen.”
Depleted of all energy I am silent. The words on the radio begin to resonate with me. A familiar song drives home the point where my futile attempts have seemingly failed. The lyrics break through and over and over again I hear the words, “Light, Light, Light up the Sky to tell me you are with me!” Smiling I sustain, “That’s it exactly!” As if a dare, I proclaim the depth of my faith, “GOD. I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN LIGHT UP THE SKY RIGHT NOW IF YOU CHOOSE TO! I KNOW YOU CAN!”
I am astonished! What I see before me is absolutely breathtaking.
My heart leaps out of my chest as shock covers me for a split second. Illuminating His canvas, God boldly declares, “I AM ABLE!” A bold lavish display of bright pink is plastered across the sky with its stark contrast spanning the heavens for as far as my eyes can see. Praises spring forth without hesitation and in this moment all glory belongs to God. Proclamations continue pouring out from my mouth even as rationalization pushes out faith and doubt slowly creeps in. Such a miracle almost seems beyond my comprehension. Just as quickly as I received it, I dismiss what I have just witnessed as the early morning sunrise.
Disbelief settles upon me and Satan attempts to steal the glory I once graciously lifted up to my Lord. Abruptly the sky turns black. God has called my bluff!
Now encompassed by darkness, shame covers me. For in all my ranting’s of faith I have failed pathetically even with such a gift of grandeur presented on my behalf. Aware I am a fraud, I turn off the radio and drive in silence. Morning breaks much later and I reflect in awe. My worship is lifted to a higher elevation than I have ever experienced, as I am keenly aware of God’s presence.
God has handed me a miracle and I have clung to disbelief. Yet still His grace abounds for me and draws me closer to Himself bringing my faith that much closer to that of a mustard seed, confident that my God is faithful to do all that He is able, leaving the possibilities limitless.
Matthew 17:20 And He said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.” {NASB}
You amazing!